So this post is a bit old, but nonetheless still worth sharing.
This year has somehow crept right past me. I still thought it was August. So Election Day definitely caught me by surprise. I hadn't submitted my early ballot. Shoot. I was actually going to have to attempt to physically go to the polling location....with my children. That's punishment in itself. Then another problem presented itself. I couldn't remember if I had switched my address to Anthem. I think it's safe to agree that Election day is probably not the best day to remember that...or try to research the answer. So after work I picked up the kids and we headed over to my old polling location, unloaded the misfits, drug them in there with me, explained my situation, and then proceeded to wait a never ending 10 mins while they scoured their paperwork. Nope, I didn't exist at that location. So they gave me a "help line" to call to confirm my correct location. Off we left, but not without snagging 3 new pencils and 2 sample ballots; unbeknownst to me. I loaded everyone up and called the not so helpful "help line". After 25 mins they confirmed that I was indeed registered in Anthem. But under Katie Furniss. Seemed odd seeing as I've definitely voted in the past 6 years as Katie Harbeck. But regardless, I was just happy I now had an identity.
Second attempt. We pulled into my correct polling location. The kids were now not as patient and understanding about the whole "voting" situation. And to make matters worse, I was just in the Walmart parking lot to buy them Toy Story 3 (which just happened to be released that day as well) when the help line confirmed I was indeed alive. So I quickly detoured out of there and crushed their cartoon dreams, in order to vote before the masses got off work. So as I unloaded them again, I gave them the usual pep talk/bribery/threats. PLEASE be quiet and contained for Mommy while I perform my honorable civic duty. Then we'll go gorge ourselves on junk food, Buzz and Woody. I thought it was an outstanding agreement. However, Anden was still whimpering about the delayed dream.
The second we walked into the grand Rose Catholic Church (more like the makeshift office double wide trailer section). I knew we were doomed. In the 5 mins it took the volunteers to confirm that I was in fact DEAD on their records, Anden unloaded an entire box of push pins and shoved them artistically into the wall. Taylee climbed a bookshelf. As I snatched the now empty container of push pins away from him, Taylee ripped 3 pages out of a church manual...while still clinging to the top shelf of the bookshelf. I frantically pulled her down and gave them the DO OR DIE stares. That contained them for 2.8 seconds. I explained to the geriatric volunteers that I had an alter ego and to look under that name. The "help line" had already confirmed I existed. More confused stares ensued as they flipped through their roster of living breathing human beings. I still was not popular enough to be on that list either. They apologized and said I would have to go down a table and sign up for a Provisional Ballot. I was pretty sure that was actually my entrance application to the morgue.
Third Attempt: Hi, my name is Katie Harbeck otherwise known as Katie Furniss. I'm confirmed as a voter here but apparently I didn't make the VIP list next door. Can I please be granted allusive access to your second class provisional ballot? Of which it's safe to assume won't even be counted seeing as it appears I have to put it in an envelope and into that little box to be mailed after the election has been determined and winners appointed. But please continue to fool me into thinking my measly freaking vote actually does matter. Oh and by the way, you're on a time limit. My kids are already underneath your table smearing lollipops inside your church manuals. Thank you.
Somehow, that didn't speed up the process. So I gave the kids some chocolate. That might up the ante for expeditious service. I was eventually given my fake ballot...after I signed over my first born. I gladly did that and even threw in my second born as a bonus. They could pick up their new prize...standing right there in the corner pulling every single church manual off another bookshelf and stacking them into a tower to hurl themselves over.
I scanned the rows of flimsy voter booths. Somehow they were almost full. I guess the masses had gotten off work and had descended upon us while I was filling out my death certificate. So I grabbed the closest booth to my (well their) children. I again threatened Anden to stop tackling Taylee or this time Buzz and Woody would die. I frantically tried to race through the ballot while performing pathetic parenting at the same time. The kids were beyond crazy. The temptation was killing them. They couldn't handle the pressure and they cracked. Anden started chasing Taylee....and she ran right UNDERNEATH my flimsy rickety booth and continued down the tunnel underneath the ENTIRE ROW of occupied booths. Anden chased her the whole way, hitting his head on every 3rd booth. I wanted to die. I could either jump through the plate glass window...or chase after them. Oddly, I opted for the 2nd choice. So I squatted down to their level and crawled down the row of booths while sternly yelling in a muffled tone through the innocent voters' legs, "GET OUT OF THERE NOW!!" I got to the end of the row and grabbed Taylee's arm and she SQUEALS with delight...and then somehow the worst happened. She wiggled free...and ran the entire way BACK through the tunnel of voters, with Anden following. I stood up straight, regained my composure, wiped off the defeat, and pretended like they were someone else's devil children. I calmly walked back to my booth and ignore the melee. That is until they ran through my booth.....and Anden stood up too soon. Yes, and KNOCKED my voting booth and the coveted fake ballot crashing to the ground!!
The silence was definitely broken. The voters' concentration was definitely broken. My ego was definitely broken. I picked up my rickety booth and tried to crawl inside the paper thin side blockers. I then skipped the entire section of judges. I couldn't even read at that point. I just knew the authorities were behind me to convict me as a felon so that they could keep me from voting again. Then the lady next to me leaned over and empathetically said "Oh honey we've all been there." I thought I felt her sincerity...until i noticed her 8 year old sitting like an angel reading a book at her feet. I took a deep breath, filled in the rest of the ballot and mustered some pride to go seal and drop the ballot into the box. Taylee, and her master climbing skills, was back on top of the bookshelf. Anden had found some gum under the table he was admiring. Without a word, I placed my ballot into the box and waited for the damage to be assessed. I had my checkbook ready. The little volunteer lady handed me the coveted "sticker". Then she paused and proceeded to hand me 3 more stickers. I looked up and she whispered, "Here, you earned this!"
Sadly, this was just one moment in my day.
The rest will be documented in Part Two.
