For our birthdays, Lyndsay and I gave each other massage certificates! So we ditched the kids and off we went to the local spa. I don’t know if I was more excited about the massage or a WHOLE HOUR without kids, interruptions, and being pulled in 20 directions!! I probably would have been content to just sit in my car in peace in the driveway! But I was soon to find out that this was going to be much more thrilling!
Well I've had a horrible cold for the past 2 weeks that was gift wrapped in booger bubbles and sneezing spit spray and personally hand delivered to me by my lovely children. Consider it an early birthday present! I have tried all sorts of cold medicines and allergy pills; but to no avail. The faucet continues to drip incessantly.
Little did I realize, in advance, that lying face down for an hour in dark quiet solitude was probably not the best antidote for draining nasal cavities!! I was soon to learn the error of my ways. My Super Woman talents were obviously not superior to the Gravity Villian.
While we were retrieved by our therapists to our indiviual rooms, Lyndsay happened to notice the "couples room". Innocently she asked if we could have our massages together in that room; since we were sisters and it was for our birthdays. The therapists agreed and off we went to the romantic couples room. We were like giddy little girls as we prepped and waited for our massages to begin. Something about being in a quiet dark room with your sister in a slightly uncomfortable naked setting just makes you giggle like a 10 year old! Similar to how everything is 100 times funnier when you're in church and supposed to be quiet. Well the second I laid face down on my table with my arms down by my sides, I knew we had a serious problem! But by then it was too late to warn Lyndsay that she better run for her safety (and sanity). The therapists had emerged into the room, the massages had commenced and the nasal discharge had begun it's quick decent to the tip of my nose. Suddenly this "hour of peace" became the most uncomfortable count the next 3600 seconds until it's over experience! My head was racing of ways to resolve this dilemma. But I was stuck!! My only option was to see how long I could hold out before having to loudly snort the mucous back into my brain with it reverberating against my naval cavities all the way back up. Normally only one other person, the therapist, would have to be subjected to such horror. But oh no, we had to have the coveted frickin couples room. So three other innocent bystanders were now involved! The only silver ling in this situation is that there's a hole where your face rests....which enabled my dripping mucous to fall to the floor rather than puddle up in my face! How convenient! I'm sure it was designed just for that purpose. So I held out as long as I could before passing out due to the lack of oxygen. Then I humbly asked my therapist, in a voice not even my own due to the excess fluids resting in my nose, if she could retrieve me a tissue or even a towel to permanently shove up my nose. She graciously accepted my request and gladly escaped for a tissue. Well now the next problem ensued. My arms are supposed to be relaxed by my side. But now I had to keep one arm up by my face to continue to wipe my nose (the head rest hole came in handy again for easy under the table access to my nostrils!) So in short, the longest hour of my life went something like this. "polite sniff, polite sniff, wipe, wipe, polite sniff, screw it...SNORT! apology, polite sniff, polite sniff, DOUBLE SNORT!" I was so focused on the fluids escaping from my head that I have no idea if I even got a massage. By the time the wretched experience was over and the therapists left, I jumped off my table and grabbed the box of tissues and proceeded to ravage Lyndsay's ears with the longest blowing of the nose recorded in recent history! Guiness book of records has nothing on me! We laughed so hard that she even joined me in the snorting department. I'm sure our poor innocent therapists were out in the hallway puking and laughing as well. So next time you think a "couples massage" sounds fun....just remember all the things that could go embarassingly wrong! And last but not least, Happy Birthday Lyndsay...with a booger on top! I'm sure it's just what you wanted for your present! :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment